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Military Family Life

Our Conversation with Tammy Barclay

April 13, 2022 • Petawawa Military Family Resource Centre • Episode 5

April is Month of the Military Child.

This month we speak with Tammy Barclay – mother of 6 military children – about how her children have dealt with challenges such as postings, deployments and the transition to civilian life.

In our conversation we talk about how:

· to help children stay connected with a deployed parent (00:08:45);

· living in an RHU helped Tammy – and Claudia – to connect with their Military community (00:10:00);

· Tammy and her family faced some of the challenges related to their transition from Military to Veteran family (00:19:10);

· homeschooling helped Tammy and her family to adjust to new challenges; and

· volunteering has helped Tammy to find her ‘tribe’.

We also share some stories about: adjusting to the ‘sounds’ of Military bases, how friends have stepped up to help in a pinch, and why Julie will never plant a lilac bush.

Our Guest:

Tammy Barclay has been married to her husband Gerry for 23 years and they have 6 children ranging from 10 - 20 years old. She has been a military spouse since 2006, when Gerry re-enlisted, and vividly remembers feeling completely overwhelmed by this new life when she started.

They had 3 children when they became a military family and added 3 more along the way, while learning to truly embrace the best that the military life and community has to offer.

Tammy continues to stay involved in the military community after Gerry's medical release in 2018 and as a veteran spouse is always ready to offer encouragement and support to others as they navigate their own military journey.

Tammy serves on the Moose Jaw MFRC Board of Directors. She is an advocate for mental health, a volunteer with OSISS (Operational Stress Injury Social Support) and an ADHD Coach for individuals and families.

Tammy loves to use her experience and expertise to help families build resilience, become empowered and truly thrive in the Canadian military.

Want to learn more about Tammy and her work as an ADHD coach? Visit her website at https://tammybarclay.com or follow her on Facebook at @TammyBarclayADHDCoach

[0:00]

Julie Hollinger:

Hi, and welcome to Military Family Life, a podcast for military family members by military family members. My name is Julie Hollinger.

April is Month of the Military Child and it's an opportunity for us to think about some of the unique challenges and experiences that are faced by children of Canadian Armed Forces members.

This month my co-host Claudia Beswick and I are having a conversation with Tammy Barclay, the mother of six military kids. We wanted to talk to her about: her children's experiences with relocation and deployments; some of the things that they did as a family to make these challenges a little bit easier and what worked for them; and maybe some suggestions that would work for your family.

They had three children when they became a military family and added three more along the way, while learning to truly embrace the best that the military life and community has to offer.

Tammy continues to stay involved in the Military community after Gerry's medical release in 2018, and as a veteran spouse is always ready to offer encouragement and support to others as they navigate their own military journey.

Tammy loves to use her experience and expertise to help families build resilience, become empowered and truly thrive in the Canadian military.

We hope that you enjoy this conversation that Claudia and I had with Tammy Barclay.

So, Tammy, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourselves. We read your bio, but I guess in your own words, tell us about yourself, who you are and your connection to the military.

[00:02:16]

Tammy Barclay:

Sure, I'd love to my husband and I …

Well, my husband was in the Military prior to us being married and he decided he wanted to rejoin the Military as a medic, after he had taken paramedic training.

So, I actually started as a Military spouse in 2006 when he rejoined and our first posting was in Borden, Ontario. We have six children now between the two of us. We had three of the time that we moved on to the base in Borden, and I remember how terrifying that was.

I was living in London at the time and had wanted to drive over to see him and stopped at the side of entrance to Borden - to the Base - and looked at all the acronyms and the arrows and had no idea with any of it meant. And I had three children in the car under five years old, and I pulled over to the side of the road and stared at the sign, and I started to cry because I thought I am never going to be able to figure out this life.

I didn’t even know where to find the PMQs - which I think on the sign was RHUs, I don't even remember at this point. And I was absolutely terrified. So, my connection to the military started then and it's been a steep learning curve, but one that I really enjoyed and loved.

And here we are all these years later and I feel like I sort of have my feet under me and kind of what I'm doing.

Julie:

So when you met him he was out and then got back in?

Tammy:

Yes. Which was kind of funny, actually. Because when we met and I heard that he had been Military that made me a little nervous.

And so, I had said like Are you ever planning on going back in? and he said oh no, never. I said okay, alright.

So I figured he was safe. So I was going to go ahead and get married because I didn't really want to be a military spouse never wanted to be. So then you know, I kind of teased him. I said: so you tricked me because we got married and everything was good. And then years later, he said okay… now I want to go back. And I was like really, we had this conversation

[00:04:00]

Julie:

Your kids were all under five at the time.

Tammy:

At that time. Yeah. When we moved on to the base. We had a five-year-old, a three year old and a one and a half year old.

Claudia Beswick:

Wow.

Julie:

You must have been terrified.

Tammy:

I was terrified. I had no idea where I was going. Not a clue.

Julie:

So how long were you in Borden for?

Tammy:

We were in Borden from 2006 until fall of 2010. 2010 we got posted out to Moose Jaw.

Julie:

And you've been in Moose Jaw ever since?

Tammy:

We have, yeah.

[00:04:33]

Claudia:

You know funny story for Borden. My husband did two years there - we did IR. And I remember had gone up for Christmas vacation to see him. We decided to spend Christmas there. My daughter was I would Wainwright and she met us there. So we did the family thing in Borden.

And I remember driving onto the Base for the very first time, same spot you said you go to the end of the gate, there's the signs and it's very quiet. And it's you know, it's wintertime and the fog is really low and hazy. And my brother and sister-in-law lived in the PMQs there and we were going to visit them and as he was driving to his brother's PMQ, we're going through these going through these PMQ areas and there were no cars on the road. The fog was hanging in the air. And it was something like out of a Stephen King movie. And I'm like... my God.

It’s much better in the light of day. It's a beautiful base.

Julie:

I thought through this it was romantic and like a storybook, but no it was like Stephen King…

Claudia:

It was like Stephen King

Julie:

That took a turn.

Claudia:

Yeah, so it's interesting. That was my first impression of Base Borden. And we did go obviously in the light of day, and it's a very nice small base.

Tammy:

It is. It’s a lovely base and we really enjoyed our time there. We loved all of the trails, taking the kids biking and walking on the trails was a highlight for sure. And, but that first experience, I remember thinking a couple of years in that one day I'm going to write the officially unofficial Military Spouse’s guide to all acronyms. I still haven't done it, but it's still in the back of my brain somewhere that maybe one day,

Claudia:

it would be a never-ending book with all these chapters.

Julie:

Do you think that living on the base and living in a PMQ made it easier for you to get used to military life and help you find your footing?

Tammy:

I think it did for me for sure. Because of course on the PMQ on the base, everybody was in the same boat. It was military families that I was surrounded by. So when I had questions, I had lots of people that I could ask.

We spent a lot of time at the Borden MFRC so that you know we took lots of advantage of their programming. At the time I was homeschooling the kids, so our days were sort of up to us how we wanted to spend them, and so we made some great connections at the base with other families and spent some time getting to know them.

And yeah, it was a really good experience and an easier way I think to acclimate because I think otherwise, I'm not sure would have had that same ability to connect and to get my feet under me.

[00:07:00]

Claudia:

And I think when you're living in the pm queues, you're relatively within walking distance of all of those things, right? Like whether it's the gym or to the MFRC or you're not that far away where the areas are that you can connect with other families that are going through the same thing.

So I would agree. I was in the same boat. We were in PMQs for many, many years, until the kids were teenagers actually. So, it really was nice having that experience with other people that were going through the same things you.

Julie:

Were your kids too young to sort of understand the difference or did they have a speed bump trying to get acclimatized to their new life? Do you think they got that there was a difference now being military kids?

Tammy:

Not sure that it would have dawned on them right away. My oldest was only about five at the time and like I said, we homeschooled, so for them not a lot changed other than the location.

We still did school at home. You know, dad still went to work during the day. It was actually a little bit easier because then he wasn't on a paramedic schedule. So he was gone during the day and hone in the evenings and weekends. And we were out making friends and doing activities and exploring our new environments. So they have a lot of fun doing that.

I think when it really started to dawn on them was when he went on tour in 2009 to Afghanistan. That was a big difference, of course, and so that was a little more real to them.

Julie:

How old were they at that time?

Tammy:

My oldest was eight. We had added another one by then. So, we had four and I was pregnant with our fifth. So, it was a busy house.

Julie:

You just jumped in with both feet.

So you were homeschooling and he was going through a deployment. How do you navigate that with the kids? You know, it's all of you together all the time - homeschooling and going through the stress of a deployment.

How do you navigate that for yourself all being together all the time? And then how do you help them navigate it?

[00:08:45]

Tammy:

I think for me, I would say that the fact that we were homeschooling through the deployment was probably one of the biggest bonuses or blessings in that time.

Although yes, I was with the kids all the time. That was a little bit harder on me in terms of self care, but I did have a lot of support. There were friends on the Base, and there was Family Resource Center where I could turn to if I needed respite care and other things. And my family lived a couple of hours away, so from time to time, my mother and my sister-in-law would come up and give us hand with different things. And we also were fairly involved in a church in Barrie, so that was really helpful as well.

So, I did have some adult support and some other places that I could turn on when I needed some things. But what I loved about our time homeschooling while he was on deployment was that I had the freedom to adjust our days to what my children needed emotionally in that time and space. I wasn't tied to any school’s curriculum or time schedule. So if the kids were really struggling, we didn't do much or we you know, we changed it up. And we took some, some measures to make sure that we were staying really well-connected with their dad.

[00:10:00]

Tammy:

What I loved before he left, he videorecorded himself reading some of their favorite bedtime stories. So when we were really missing dad and his face and his voice, we would just curl up on the couch and pop a couple of those in and we would just listen to him read to us - and that was fun.

And the other thing I did as a part of our school, you know, of course they were young, so they were still learning to write. But I had gone to the dollar store and I had picked up some, you know, some of those workbooks that have the top half the pages blank and the bottom has the lines for primary or elementary kids to be writing in. So we picked up a bunch of those. There were only three that were writing at the time, so I picked up nine of them.

So we had sets of three and we would label them A B and C. So, for the first two or three weeks, we would write in one of them and we would call them our Dad Journals, and that was a writing activity for the day. So they would draw a picture on the top about something they wanted to share with Dad whether it was something you know that they had done or something they missed about him, or how they were feeling, whatever they felt like. And if they were old enough to be writing, they would write a sentence or two underneath it. For the youngest who was not old enough to write he would just tell me about the story, and I would just write it for him – a couple sentences.

So we would do that for two or three weeks and we would throw them in a package of things we would send off to him and ship them to dad. And then we would start in the next set and we would do the same thing. And a couple of weeks later we would do the same thing.

And then, by the time the third was done and sent over, he had received the first few. He had read through them all, he was writing in them, he would comment and do different things. And then he would send them back to us. So we got them back with a package and lots of little gifts and things like that. And it was a really amazing way for our kids to stay connected with their father while he was away

And to this day, everybody still has all of their Dad Journals, and they're a real treasured item in our family. And it was a really, really good experience that way to be able to stay connected.

Claudia:

What a beautiful keepsake you know and something that they'll be able to share for a very long time. It's beautiful story.

Julie:

And it must have meant a lot to your husband to be able to have that daily connection with them. So, you may not have been talking to them every day. But he still knew they were thinking about him every day and he was still a part of their day-to-day routine.

Tammy:

Absolutely.

Julie:

Claudia and I talk a lot about the fact that—and I don't know how to phrase this in a polite way – but that we are more ‘mature’ military spouses. And when we went through deployments, we did the mail. Videotapes that we put into video tape machines. Like we mailed letters back and forth and waited for that like one satellite call.

And nowadays with the internet, it's a lot easier to keep in touch. But by the same token, we kind of talked about it a couple of times, does it make it easier having those emails, do you print them off? Is it the same kind of same keepsake? Is it the same kind of treasure?

I think both of them have their advantages, but I think that in a lot of ways. I feel lucky that we did it the old way.

Tammy:

I would agree with that. I think we were a bit of a hybrid. So, we did a lot of - I did send emails back and forth with him and he would get them whenever. We did only get the one satellite call, not satellite call, but we would get a call once a week. And he had a time limit. So, we had to be really cautious, or really aware of our timings.

But he would write a lot of letters and I would write letters as well. So I still have lots of letters as my own keepsakes - as does he. He still has a whole box of things that we used to that we send him from Afghanistan everything is here still today. The emails were helpful if there were not crises things- a but you know those more imminent questions and things that had to be dealt with that you really were hoping for a quicker answer. Still never a guarantee, because of course it depended on operationally what they were doing whether he could get back to me or not. But that was handy, but it was still nice to have all the writing that was definitely my preferred way to communicate with him.

[00:13:30]

Claudia:

So Julie always tells a story about you know, with every move where you pulled out, you know, - I had a shoe box - but you pulled out all those letters and then you kind of get lost in rereading and think about oh my goodness… When you look at some of that stuff you think boy were we ever young

Julie:

Right now, I'm just thinking I hope those letters are still in like in one of those boxes underneath the stairs that we still haven’t unpacked. Because I remember packing them, but I don't remember seeing them after that.

Claudia:

It's not now it's when you pack up to leave right. When you're when you're digging out all that stuff in that closet, and under the stairwell, and all those hidden cubby holes you forgot you had because you've lived in that house for a few years.

Julie:

So, you left Borden and then you went to Moose Jaw with five kids at the time?

Tammy:

Yes, five at the time - and then we had our last one here.

Julie:

How did the kids handle that transition - that posting? There's a huge age gap there so little ones maybe don't notice as much; they're sort of going along for the adventure. For you having kids with that age gap. How do you sort of navigate the changes that they're each experiencing in a really different age?

[00:14:30]

Tammy:

It was definitely interesting. Again, I guess because at that time we were still homeschooling, it was easier for me to make it all part of the adventure.

So when we got the posting messaging, we knew we were going to Borden we would research Borden we were looking at all the cool … sorry not Borden - Moose Jaw.

We're looking at all the cool things that Moose Jaw had and what's the weather going to be like out there? And what's going to be around that we could do and that we can try, you know, so we tried to make it fun and exciting for them.

The older ones definitely, it was a harder transition for them. Because of course they are leaving a lot of their friends that they were familiar with. They were much more aware that they were moving farther away from grandma and grandpa, aunts, uncles and cousins. So it was definitely more tricky for them.

The middle one at the time he... It wasn't until Christmas of that year that I think he finally really processed the fact that we weren't going back there -- that this was a permanent thing-- it wasn't just a vacation.

And I remember that Christmas - he had dropped a Christmas ornament while we were setting up the tree and it had broken. And it was a special one to him, and it just opened the floodgate of emotion that he had pent up inside, and he just started to sob. And he sobbed for probably an hour - an hour and a half - and I had scooped him up and taken him up to our room so that he could just feel free to let it all out. And he would ask him a few questions here and there and that's when I started to realize that so much of that was just him processing the immensity of that move for him.

It's definitely the younger two had no clue. Except for actually I shouldn't totally say that.

[00:16:20]

Tammy:

My three-year-old at the time when we moved - she's not a big fan of a lot of big noise. And so we moved from an Army base to an Air Force Base where when you went outside all she could hear all day long are these planes flying overhead - Super loud. So actually, I remember when we moved in, the day we moved in. She was she would go outside, throw her hands over her ears and just cry because the noise was so loud, and she didn't know what it was.

So we're unloading into the house and we gave her the pantry in the kitchen with the door closed. We popped her in there with a laptop and a DVD going, and we just let her hide in there with the door closed while we're getting all the stuff all the boxes in the house so that it wasn't quite so traumatizing for her. So…

Claudia:

Did your windows rattle?

Tammy:

Oh yes.

Claudia:

Does that happen there. I've primarily lived on an army base with the exception of our time in Germany when we lived in Lahr. And I just remember the same thing you know the planes taking off all the time and you could just hear the windows shake and rattle and was loud. But ironically - and I don't know for the for the children but for me - after a few months of doing that you tune it out. You don't even hear it anymore. And it's like oh yeah

[00:17:30]

Julie:

I remember my first week living in Petawawa. We were sitting there having coffee and hearing the ummm- I had no idea what sound was - I jumped out my skin. I was like: What is that and he said artillery. You know he looked up and down like it was nothing. And I thought I'm never gonna get used to this.

And now I can sort of identify the tap, tap, tap. That’s got to be a LAV. I can tell the helicopters by the sound.

And I've given up on any of our pictures ever being straight on the wall- like they're going to be crooked. I'm just going to let that go.

[00:17:45]

Tammy:

100%

Actually, my husband used to tease me when we were in Borden and I honestly I said to him one day out in the backyard – Oh listen I can hear woodpeckers!

And he stopped and he looked at me like that’s not woodpeckers! That’s machine gun fire from the range. And I’m like Oh my Gosh, seriously.

Claudia:

That’s hilarious. That’s pretty awesome. I don't think I've ever heard that comparison before.

Julie:

But it's true now that I am thinking about it – it could very well be.

Claudia:

I will always think of a woodpecker now!

Julie:

Sometimes you hear that… and it depends on the weather that sometimes you'll hear this like bang and it just like you sort of forget every once and a while then you remember: oh yeah, I live on an Army Base – that’s going to happen

So you've been in Moose Jaw for how long?

[00:18:45]

Tammy:

We've been here since 2010. And my husband was medically released in 2018. So we decided to stay because most of our support is now here. And really our kids by and large have grown up here. They all enjoyed here.

We did briefly talk about moving home, but the majority of the family were like No, let's just stay. So we've bought a house and we've settled in and here we are.

Julie:

You said your husband got out of the military and talking about transitions. Was that a transition for your family like did you notice sort of moving from being a military family to not being a military family? How did that change for you?

[00:19:10]

Tammy:

Yeah, that was definitely a transition. He was medically released because of an operational stress injury due to his tour in Afghanistan. So, he does have complex PTSD from that tour. So those years were challenging, for sure. And I made great use of OSIS - the Operational Stress Injury Social Support group - as did he. We needed a lot of support for our family during that time. The Kids needed support. It was it was challenging and really messy. Certainly, over the years. It's gotten much, much better. He's doing great now that he's out. But it was a hard transition.

A lot of the transition for him really for all of us, probably less so for the kids but for Gerry and I in particular, it really was it felt like a losing identity. Right? It's like Okay, so we've been this military family now for all these years. What are we going to be next? We're not really a military family anymore.

Claudia:

We hear that quite a bit with families that are getting out and I wanted to ask you actually, you know, you talk a lot about the transition from the medical release and that situation. But you know, how did you feel just as a military spouse now knowing that the base isn't there, and you're now in this community and the kids are ingrained in the community and you know, it is that identity piece, but did it take you a while to adjust? Was it something that you were able to adapt to? Were their resources that you were able to connect with that help? With that situation?

Tammy:

Yeah, the Military Family Resource Center was really great about that facilitating the transition. They were good about trying to make sure that we had connections in town.

We'd been here long enough as well, that again, we had a great church that we had for support. Because of Gerry's injury, I had a counselor he had a counselor, the kids had counselors. So there were lots of supports available to us when we made the move from the Base up into town. For me, honestly, I still, I mean, we're a veteran family now, right? We're still connected to the military.

And I frankly wasn't ready to let it go entirely. So I've stayed connected by remaining on the board of directors and serving there because the military is always going to be a part of who I am and our family experience.

And I love the military community. I love what it has provided for us as a family. I love the subculture. I think it's been one of the greatest blessings of our life. And I don't really want to let that go. So

Claudia:

I think it's absolutely amazing that you are with the Board of Directors. Saying this as the executive director of an MFRC. I'm also very happy that Military Family Services have embraced that whole Veteran family inclusive of everything that we do. So I think that's pretty cool. And thank you for sharing that story. I know it's not always easy, but you know, having you with the experience that you have on the board really helps MFRC and the families that are in Moose Jaw too. So thank you for that.

[00:22:05]

Julie:

You have six children, that you homeschool. If anybody has an excuse to say I'm too busy, too busy to volunteer - It's you. But you still decided that this was something that was important.

Is volunteering, something that you have used in the community to make friends to sort of get - to become a part of the community? Is it something that you've been doing for a long time?

Tammy:

100% That was one of the ways that I got connected to the community and got my feet under me as a military spouse. I was on the Board of Directors as well in Borden and really enjoyed it. That was another way that I you know, learned about the community, and learned about what was available to me and help our family to transition. But also, I really believe that volunteering and making a conscious effort to get to know the military community that you're in at each posting - that's part of how you build resilience as a military family.

As a military family, I don't believe you can get through life on your own. If you're going to try to do it as an island it's not going to go well because you know - and particularly I think if you're parenting. There's all kinds of shapes and sizes of families and definitions of families, which is fantastic, but if you're going to try to parent in the military, I think you've got to really build your tribe because there are all kinds of unexpected things that come up and you just can't handle it all on your own.

There's so many stories that I have of times when things were going on with the kids, whether Gerry was away at training. You know, whenever they leave, that's always when everything breaks, the washing machine dies in the car breaks and the kids you know, run into a pole, and need stitches and break bones. It's just the way it goes, right. And you just sort of have to count on that.

But it's in those moments too, that you need to be able to pull in your tribe and rely on the people that are around you. And I did and I think that's one of the reasons we were able to navigate it as well as we did, was because I made a conscious effort to do that. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes it's really scary.

It's hard to put yourself out there. And it's mentally and emotionally exhausting then you go to a new base and you have to start all over again. I get that. And I know that that's often a big complaint of most military families when they're starting all over again at another Base. This is so hard and it takes a year or two truly to feel like you've finally reconnected in a community but it really is worth it.

And now I'm happy to say I literally have Military friends from coast to coast all over the country that we stay in touch with on Facebook and I get letters of Christmas updates from everybody and it's fun because if you do go traveling, it's great to be able to say hey, I'm coming into the province, where are you? What are you doing? Can we get together. You know, and that provides a lot of fun. So I do enjoy that.

Claudia:

I have a question for you. Going back to your homeschooling - which kudos to you that six children homeschooling is amazing. I don't know that I would have been able to do that, and I think it's just super awesome that you were.

One of the things that we hear a lot of from families is the education system, going between provinces for the children. And I'm just wondering from your perspective because you move from Ontario, Ontario system to Saskatchewan: did you notice an impact or was there as many challenges homeschooling compared to what potentially some of the education system is for those in schools?

Tammy:

Well, that's a really great question. As a home schooler the transition from one province to the other was fairly easy.

Each province handles education of course on its own, which is why when they're in school systems, it can be a challenge as well. And the same is true for homeschoolers. So, when you're homeschooling, you also have to comply with whatever the provincial legislation is around homeschooling.

So in Ontario, is a little bit different than it was in Saskatchewan. Ontario 0 t was fairly loose in that there were very few requirements from me as a homeschool parent, but there was also not as much obvious hands-on support. I could dig for support if I needed it. But it wasn't as easily available. Whereas in Saskatchewan there was a little more required of me. There was education plans required at the beginning of the year of reports at the end, but there was also a small amount of funding that could help with some of our school supplies and curricula and different things that we chose to make use of it. So that was kind of a nice perk of making the transition from one province to the other.

But the thing that I really loved about it was one way or the other the decisions on the curriculum were still mine and so the routines and the things that we were doing, and consistency for kids was still there from province to province. Of course, we had to develop a whole new homeschooling community and get connected with the ones that were here. But you'll find if homeschooling is something that you are exploring, there are vibrant homeschooling communities all across the country. So - and then eventually we did end up putting the kids in school. There was a lot going on with Gerry’s transition and the medical issues and things that were going on. And at certain point, it just became too much for me to be able to fully support my husband and still homeschool all of my children. So, it was time to transition. So they made the transition into school though quite well. And it's been good.

Claudia:

I still think you’re pretty amazing.

[00:27:15]

Tammy:

Thanks. It was a lot of fun. We have some great memories.

It wasn't perfect. Homeschooling is not rainbows and sunshine all the time, not by a long shot. Actually it's kind of funny because I used to wonder at times whether I was the worst homeschooling mom on the planet because I couldn't get my kids to follow simple schedules. They would lose their stuff all the time. I'm like, seriously the stuff doesn't need to leave the house people why can't you find it? - it's in the same room.

Claudia:

You should feel confident, because that still happens in the schools as well.

[00:27:45]

Tammy:

But the ironic thing is we found out about two and a half years ago - all six of the kids and my husband all have ADHD, which then explained a whole lot of my own experience. I’m like, oh, okay, that totally makes sense. Exactly.

Which was why I went into training and became an ADHD coach so that I'd have a much better idea of how my kids brains work so that I could support them while they're in school and just help them from a completely different headspace because I really didn't get their brains before and it would cause some friction because I didn't understand and because some of the things that come so, so easy for me are really hard for them, you know, and so then as a parent, you look at it and you make assumptions when you're coming from that place right?

You're assuming that they're being lazy or assuming they're not paying attention on purpose because they can spend four hours playing their video game, why can't spend 30 minutes on your math homework without me having to sit on you is just a lot that I didn't understand.

So it was extremely helpful for me when I added that knowledge piece so that I could parent and even be a spouse from a much more compassionate and empathetic place of understanding - that it's not easy for them. It's a real challenge for them, and that they need a different type of support than lots of other kids do. And so, it's changed a lot of dynamic in our families, certainly for the better. And we're still a hot mess most days but we're, you know, a much more relaxed hot mess. And at least we get why we're struggling in different areas now.

And so when we're putting in new systems or whatever, we're still just encouraging each other and building up some skills that are lacking. And it's just a lot more of a positive atmosphere now, which has been really, really helpful.

[00:29:30]

Julie:

So, you are an ADHD coach, and you do offer those services to other families as well. This is a business that you've built on your own. A lot of people talk about the fact that as a military spouse, it's hard to make that career niche. It's hard to build a business to build something for yourself because you know you're going to be moving around. Now that have moved to you your post-service life, you're a little bit more set in one location. Do you feel like it's sort of given you the opportunity - it's my time now that this is my opportunity to sort of make a go with it now that you know we're staying here and no one's moving us?

Tammy:

Yeah, definitely. I think it's been good in that sense. Yeah, that anticipation of always having to pick up and move does tend to put a mental barrier I think sometimes in your own mind of okay, but I don't want to get started with this now because what if the posted message shows up in three months right?

Julie:

That's why I never plan a lilac bush.

Claudia:

Roses. We always say roses don't ever plant roses.

Julie:

If I plant that lilac bush and ’ve got two years to wait. I'm never going to see that.

Tammy:

Absolutely. That's actually funny. This is the first time now that we moved to the house that I've actually started getting houseplants again, because I wouldn't allow myself the luxury when we were living on the on the Base. It's like no, I don't want to get them all away. I love to garden.

But yeah, no I do. I think that knowing that we're not moving around has given me that permission in my own mind to start to dig into. Okay, now I could kind of get into the things that I want to do. I've been fortunate. When my kids transitioned into school, I was able to use my homeschooling skill set to work as an EA at their school -and educational assistant - for a number of years really enjoyed that. That was actually a beautiful transition for me coming from being home for so long and moving back into the workforce. So I really enjoyed being able to teach and yet get paid and that was kind of fun.

And then after I finished with that, I moved into a position with Service Canada so I am working full time for the government and with a whole new set of acronyms at my disposal. So that's always fun, particularly confusing when some of them are the same acronym but mean totally different things.

Claudia:

and let's not forget that you have MFRC acronyms as well.

[00:31:40]

Tammy:

Absolutely. Yeah, but it has been it's been fun to be able to, I guess, envision permanency that does allow me to kind of dream a little differently, as far as what my career and my future will look like.

Claudia:

And it's also providing you know, you're sharing your wealth of knowledge and your skill set with others, which I think is important too, right? That's what you're choosing to do on your own and I'm sure a wealth of information to those that have reached out to you to learn the best way to support their own children that have the ADHD.

Julie:

Knowing what you know now, some of the experiences that you've had, what's the advice that you give to new military spouses that are just showing up at Moose Jaw for the first time? They're brand new to this life and they're, let's face it, they're scared. What's the advice that you give them?

[00:32:30]

Tammy:

Show up at the MFRC. Get Connected, make friends.

If you can find a way to volunteer. Not because we need your warm body in a spot, although it's nice to have people to do things. It's because it's good for you. It's because when you get involved and you volunteer, not only are you building those connections, but you're developing a deeper sense of the community that you're now involved in. And so you gain so much by doing that. And also, when you volunteer, you develop I think in your own mind a sense too of being able to influence the community that you are involved in, right?

Because you may start off by you know, showing up for a craft cutting event to prepare Christmas crafts for the kids for the Christmas party. And maybe that's your thing for a couple of years because that's all you can manage. You’ve got a house full of little ones at home. Fabulous. That's totally fine is a great time to you know, chat a little bit and get to know some people and have a few hours that you're not up to your eyeballs and diapers. But maybe down the road you take that next step. Maybe you do get involved in the Board of Directors and now you're starting to shape you know, where are we going with programming what's happening in our military culture, what decisions need to be made for the betterment of families?

You're using your experiences as you as a military family to begin to shape and mold the future for others. You know, right now we're standing on the shoulders of families that from 25 years ago cried out and said, Hey, we don't have enough support as military families. We need to really move things forward in this direction.

And because they did, we are where we are now, and we have so much more support than we've ever had. But when you when you get involved and you make that commitment to participate in this culture, you have the ability then to be those movers and shakers and those shapers of you know, generations that come after you as well. So, it's also a bit of a legacy building, in a sense as well.

[00:34:30]

Claudia:

You make a good point, you know, voicing what families need like every base is very different on what the gaps and barriers are. And participating on the Board is one way volunteering for the MFRC participating in volunteer participating in the MFRC programs, but also offering your feedback. You don't have to be a part of the MFRC to let them know that they're struggling or there's a gap where there's a barrier where they can't access the service. So families should reach out and let the MFRC know what they're struggling with doesn't mean that they will create a program for it, but they will certainly help families integrate into the community to get those supports or make the community aware that perhaps this is something that get looked at look at doing to offer additional support.

Julie:

One of the things we dreamed about for this podcast was giving military spouses - military families the opportunity to tell their stories in their own voices. Because maybe my story is not going to ring true to you maybe you know, my experiences aren't going to be relevant to you, but maybe somebody else's are.

Tammy:

Absolutely

Julie:

…and giving enough people the opportunity to tell their story and to give their advice and that this sort of their lessons learned. It's going to be real to somebody who's out there who's maybe just starting out and that's what they needed to hear today. Because sometimes in the middle of the deployment when the kid has vomited for the fourth time and you know, the car is broken down. Like I'm done. Like getting to tomorrow is just like I've got this, you know, to hear one more person to say you got this.

And we're all different. Putting those names and faces on military spouses and showing just the breadth of experience and the breadth of knowledge and what we're all bringing to the table and how we're so different. But how the military has shaped is the same way.

[00:36:15]

Tammy:

Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. I think that's one of the things that I love so much about the Military and why I don't want to let it go. Is because it has been such a rich, such a deep experience in my life. And it has added so much to who I am - to my story to my family's story. And I think because of that when I do hear, you know, the new families come to the base or you know, if there's ever a way that I can encourage that I can support that I can connect people with the things that they need to make this experience positive.

It's not all going to be positive. Let's just be real. There are really unique stresses in the military that are completely different than anything a civilian is likely to experience. That said though there is so much support here. It's an amazing, amazing opportunity to grow as a person and as a family. And I really do believe there's nothing -I don't think- in my life that's increased my resilience as a human being as much as really engaging in this whole military experience.

Seeing it for the good and the bad, but really digging into it and going yeah, you know what, this is going to be great and I'm going to make the very best of it. Yeah, and it's been a super exciting experience for me. I just love it.

Julie:

And you get out just as much as you put in.

[00:37:35]

Tammy:

100%

Julie:

Because some days you're going to help somebody else and in the end - someone notices that you may be a little quiet and they ask the question, and you get that pep talk. And it's a pep talk from somebody who gets it because they've been there and they're not going to say the words that we all hate: You knew what you're getting into.

Because universally that is the one thing that every guest is agreed upon. That is like the worst encouragement they've ever like. I didn't know please stop saying that.

Tammy:

Absolutely. You can't know you can't know all of the things that are going to come with this life. But when you engage in those friendships and you build into them, you're right you absolutely get it back again.

And you know again, I've got story after story of times you know, I remember the one time my husband got chickenpox as an adult really badly. It was awful. I mean, he had to chicken pox everywhere. And his hands were swelling up and we had to take him to the hospital to get his ring cut off.

However, it was also swimming lesson night, and I had a house full of kids, and my youngest was one and still drinking out of a bottle and I'm like: how am I going to get the kids to swimming lessons and get this man to the hospital because I got to get this taken care of.

So of course I call up a friend who lives three houses down. She said, Oh, bring them all over. We'll feed them we'll get them back and forth to swimming. And so I'm like, Are you sure she says absolutely.

Julie:

You know there’s six of them. Right?

Tammy:

I know. She knew she was amazing. So I trucked them all down there, tossed them all at her and her husband who had two of their own who were also in swimming. And they actually had friends over that night with two more kids. So, between the three adults that were in the house, they got all 10 kids back and forth swimming. And I was able to just run off into Moose Jaw and take care of my husband and not have to worry about the kids.

And it's just you know, and you have an experience like that where you're able to do that, and you know that others have got your back, but then you also have opportunities to do the same. Right?

Later on her husband was away on training and she came down with appendicitis and needed to go into the hospital. We took her kids for a few days and they slept over and they had fun with us and we homeschooled them for a few days because it was easier than me running them back and forth to school in town for them to go to school. And so it was all fine.

Like, it’s just that's it's a family. It's a great big, huge extended all across the country - and sometimes all around the world – family. And if you will put into it you will get back from it and it's a really incredible community.

[40:00:00]

Julie:

I cannot think of a better note to end on. Thank you so much for joining us. We appreciate you joining us. It is April is Month of the Military Child, but at the end of the month it's also National Volunteer Week and I can't imagine a conversation that could fit better with both of them themes.

Thank you so much for joining us. It's been great to get to know you, and hear your story. Before we sign off for those people who want to follow you or want to learn more about what you do as an ADHD coach. Do you have like a website or something or social media that we can be sharing with people in the show notes?

Tammy:

Sure. Thank you so much. It was such an honor and a pleasure to be here. It was so much fun.

If you want to find out more about ADHD coaching. My website is Tammybarkley.com. And if you want to look for me on Facebook, it will be Tammy Barkley ADHD coach.

Julie:

I will put both of those links in the show notes so you can find Tammy and follow her. Thanks again for joining us.

Tammy:

Thank you so much. You as well.