Welcome to Military Family Life

Welcome to Military Family Life!  

Since this podcast is about Military family members sharing their experiences and advice, hosts Claudia Beswick and Julie Hollinger kick off this podcast by sharing their own stories.

Claudia Beswick is a Military Spouse and Military Child!  In this episode she talks about her many postings, her childhood memories and her love/hate relationship with snow.  

Julie Hollinger is also a Military Spouse.  She talks about her experiences dealing with the deployments and how they affected her as a wife and mother.

Claudia and Julie both work at the Petawawa Military Family Resource Centre where they have the opportunity to learn from Military families every day.

References:
The book that Julie got from her aunt about Military Life is called "Hurry Up and Wait" by Dianne Collier (Published in 1994) [She talks about it at 4:45]

Claudia's essay about her experiences was included in 'Dreaming Big Being Bold 3: Inspiring Stories From Visionaries, Trailblazers & Change Makers'. It was co-authored Paula Morand and Victoria Craig.  [Hear Claudia talk about it at about 18:50.]

We would love to hear from you.  If you are a Military Family Member that wants to share your experiences and lessons learned, email us at Podcast.Feedback@PetawawaMFRC.com 

Transcript

Welcome to military family life, the podcast for Canadian military family members, by military family members. Definitely should a guide book or mentor to help you with some of the challenges you're facing as part of a military family. Each episode, we're going to bring you the stories of people who have been there, they're going to share the lessons that they've learned along the way to help you live your best military family life. 

 JH:
Hi, and welcome to the very first edition of military family life podcast. My name is Julie Hollinger and I am here with my co-host, Claudia Beswick. 

 Over the next couple of months are going to be doing monthly shows, and we are going to be introducing a series of folks to come in and talk about military family life: to give their perspective to get advice from people who have been there. But, before we started with the show, we really wanted to introduce ourselves, and let you know that we are also military family members who have been there. 

 So Claudia, I'm just going to give you a couple of minutes. Give a quick introduction about yourself. We have a couple of things that we want to talk about specifically, but just who you are, where you came from, what your role is and why you're doing this podcast with me. 

CB:   (1:07) 
Sure.  Well, why I'm doing the podcast is because you're making me do the podcast!  But that's all good. I think this is great. It's such a wonderful opportunity. This is the first one that we've done, and I'm looking forward to seeing who else we will have as guests to talk about this lovely military lifestyle we live. 

 So, for myself, personally, I come from a long line of family members that have served in the Canadian Armed Forces, as well as my husband's family who've served in the British forces. So a lot of background on that front. I've lived the many moves every couple of years and acclimatizing to new bases and new postings.  We've done the navigating of solo parenting while my husband has been away for long periods of time, and pretty much all of those things that are standard for you know, living in this environment. It has definitely had its ups and ups and downs, but it's really helped me discover that I'm a lot stronger than I've ever given myself credit for. 

I've really embraced this crazy lifestyle. It is a roller coaster of a ride that taught me a great deal about tolerance, patience, and building unique friendships. 

 So early on in my career. I started out with administration and finance. That's what I did. But typically, as a military spouse, you move from posting to posting so job to job and once I took my first job at an MFRC I was hooked, I found my professional niche. I've shared many different roles, either paid position or volunteer position with them MFRCs. 

 It's been a great experience. And now as the executive director of the Petawawa MFRC. It's been interesting, it's hard to believe that I've been here almost eight years, I've been an executive director for about 12 or 13 years in total, I've probably worked in four MFRCs  I think, and volunteered in two of them. 

So, it's really been inspirational for me. I love giving back and servicing a community that has been really near and dear to my heart. And I've made a lot of lifelong friends throughout this journey. And it's really helped me become a better advocate, and a better leader because of it. 

So that's me in a nutshell.

JH:   (3:33)
Is this the longest that you have lived anywhere?

CB:
No, we did a nine- year stint in Gagetown. And yeah, nine years in Gagetown. And I think other than that, we've probably averaged two-year postings to four-year postings. So, this would be my second longest stint.

JH: 
I'm also a military spouse.  I said to Claudia, I'm really glad that we are doing this as a very audio medium, so you can't really get a sense of how old I am. But I will give you a bit of a hint that we have been married for 26 years. 

So my husband and I have been married to for 26 years we've been together for 28. And Petawawa is actually only my second posting. We are the family that the military forgot.  We got to spend a good long time in one area and our very first posting was when we had been together for 19 years. And the entire idea of putting all of my possessions in a truck and watching it drive away with two people I had never set eyes on before was a little disconcerting for me, and I got a bit of an idea of what it must be like for those folks who move every two, three years. You obviously have a much calmer disposition than I do to be able to do that over and over again.

CB: 
 I will say I've been married for 30 - It'll be 34 years, this December. So, I think after all that time you kind of get used to the nuances of the move and the temperaments as well because that is definitely a factor to consider.

JH:
I grew up in a family that has nothing to do with the military. So when I met my husband, I was the very first military wife that I knew other than my aunt, who had spent her career In Cold Lake, so I never really met her growing up, I knew I had an uncle who was in the Air Force, but never really had an opportunity to meet him. It was just sort of this theoretical concept before I became a military wife. 

And I remember when we got engaged, she sent me a book called Hurry Up And Wait, that she had always really, really liked she, she sent it to me and said that it was my background of what I should know became, before I became a military spouse. 

I remember reading through it and thinking this, it was interesting, it was funny, I didn't think that it would ever be my life and, and looking back, it really has been. So thanks to her for giving that tip off. But it was one of the things that it taught me is that unless you've lived this life, you don't know what this life is. And I think that's one of the things about this show that we really want to share is that a lot of times when if your family is not part of the military, or if your friends are not part of the military life, sometimes you call them up with your problems and your concerns, and they just don't get it. Or they give advice that that really, that doesn't work for your family, we'd like you say if you're being posted somewhere you don't like and they say ‘well just don't go’ - as if that is somehow an option for the military family that we just don't go. 

 So we hope that by listening to this podcast, that you will hear stories from other folks that who have been there, and who understand that it just can't go isn't the proper option. But we can talk to you a little bit about some of the things that are going to make that move a little bit easier. 

I am very new to MFRCs. I've been here for six years.  And I also love the fact that I get to meet other military families and watch the things that they have done. I had been a military spouse, as I told you for 20 years, I had been through three different deployments. And then coming here and watching families go through deployments, they had great ideas that I had never ever thought about.  So I was really impressed by that.

JH:
One of my particular favorites was the idea of deployments. And I was one of those spouses that threw all the jelly beans in the jar. And we did the countdown until Dad came home. I also knew that in the middle of the night, it was a great idea to throw extra jelly beans in the jar, because the date that he had given me when he left was not the date that he was actually coming home. And I guess the best advice I got on that one was to do a count up. And every day put something into a jar so the kids can see how much they had accomplished. And maybe we do a celebration. So when the jar gets to, you know, this line, and when we've done 30 days, we're going to do something cool as a family because we've made it 30 days, and we're so proud. And I just love the idea of being able to celebrate what we've accomplished, rather than sending it to my kids that, you know, we've been sitting here for a long time and our life is on hold until dad comes home - because it's not.  Our life was going on and we could really do cool things even without him. 

 What's the best advice that you've really gotten as a military spouse, Claudia?

CB:   (7:30)
Oh, the best advice. Every spouse that has ever offered words of wisdom you take to heart, something's really work for you. And other things, you just kind of put it on the back burner, because in that moment, it's not the right advice for you. 

So I think along the way, with all the friendships that you develop, and the mentorships that I have been lucky enough to come across and have supporters on. I think it really is about being yourself, cut yourself some slack. It's okay to have a bad day. It's okay to  vent, to cry, to laugh. Because you grow - it's a growth, it's a journey and every day is different - good or bad - and be the best impression of you that you can be. And it's okay to have those bad days. 

JH:
I remember my aunt telling me stories about going from posting to posting and because her husband was in a trade where people frequently ended up in the same Bases over and over again, she talked about the fact that there were some spouses that she had matched that she knew she knew from waving over the fence, they didn't have a lot in common. But maybe three years later, when they ended up in a different posting - and they were at the same phase in life-  that all of a sudden those people were their best friends. So that whole idea of going through seasons and people coming into your life for a reason. That's a real big thing about being in the military, because you do have that transitory idea. 

So, is it depressing when you know, you've been somewhere for two years, and it seems that every single one of your friends gets posted the same year and leaves you behind? Absolutely. But let's look at that as maybe we can meet somebody new.

CB:
And I think you know, don't sweat the small stuff. Just be yourself. Speak your mind when you want to and just be empowered to be the best version of you that you can be.  Really, at the end of the day. If you need help, there's assistance out there for you. But other than that, the one thing that the military life has taught me is even if your family is not close by the extended network and the family that you build at a military base or in that community is so very important. And we should just all embrace that where we have the opportunity to do so.

JH:    (9:50)
And you really notice that at the holidays and holidays are hard for military when you can't go home. I've always been close enough to my family that I could go home except for COVID where all of a sudden I was I was in a community and I couldn't go anywhere and we were together and I have to tell you how much I really enjoyed having holiday celebrations with friends. It wasn't sort of the old traditions that we'd always sort of grown up. But I wasn't like the kid at the kids’ table. But it was an opportunity to hang out with friends and just really enjoy our holidays in a different kind of way. 

 So we talked about the challenges about being a military family member, but there's a lot of advantages that I don't think I would trade for anything else. 

Claudia, you talk about this a lot. What you love about being a military family member? Do you want to start with yours?

CB:
Oh, I, as a child, I was a military child as well. My parents were posted back and forth every couple of years. And that's probably where I got my first, you know, you get the itch to move, right. And so every couple of years you have a new exciting place that you can visit and check out traditions and experiences and all the fun things that new communities have. And I think early on, I always took advantage of being optimistic about that. There's nothing you can do when you're told to go somewhere. So you have to make the best of it. So outside of getting kids settled in schools or finding a job because that's always a big piece of it and getting settled in your home. When you get beyond that looking to see the environment that you're in. It's always been fun to me to see what's out there. 

I remember one of the best moves that I had as a child, we were in Germany and I, I was able to learn how to ride and English saddle and we participated in Fox hunts and jumping events. That's something that was always near and dear to me. 

 As an adult, I got married young, I had my children young and our first posting married, was back to Germany. So it's great to go back and revisit and then see that through the eyes of an adult instead of the eyes of a child. And it's great. And we were able to do so many things with the kids overseas. And even coming back to Canada, we've lived at one end of the coast to the other. We've been on the East Coast, we've been on the West Coast, it's very different. The east coast, I love the oceans, and just the smell of f being by the ocean. And doing all of those things, camping was a big thing. When we move back to the West Coast, you know, it's the beautiful open skies and the Northern Lights. So, so many different stories and feelings that we take with each of the moves. Not to say we haven't had our challenging times. But you know, always try to take that optimistic approach and what we can do to make the best of the postings that we were in.

JH:
I've always said that one of the things I love about being a military spouse and being a mom to two girls and living this with them is they have a chance to see me in a different way than maybe they would have seen me if I was at home every day with my spouse every day, they've had a chance to see me be independent and to go through challenges. And they understand that life doesn't always work exactly right. And sometimes we have work arounds. 

 They have seen me look at a huge spider in a skylight that I can't reach and decide that instead of freaking out that we were going to adopt the spider and we gave it a name. And we had like a little choose with the spider that if it continued to live in the skylight that I wasn't going to get on the ladder, but the minute it came down, it was toast. They have seen me when the car doesn't start and my oldest daughter was holding the iPad with the YouTube video, teaching me how to jumpstart a car. Because I had never done that before. But we were getting to work come hell or high water we made it happen. So I think they know that there's ways of things going wrong and you can laugh. And sometimes the answer to the challenge is you can do it on your own. And I really appreciate the fact that my daughters have learned that lesson. So even if they don't continue with this life, that's something they can bring with them into any life.

CB:     (14:00)
And I think you know that there's truth to be said about what the children take out of living that that military lifestyle.  They become so independent, you know, and even now my kids, which are young adults and themselves halfway across the country and in a different province, and it's like, hey, remember, there's a parent out here we know we brought you up to be independent, but just remember to phone home every now and then that would be nice.

 JH: 
I think my kids are also closer to because when you go move to a different posting in the middle of summer, you don't know anybody you haven't had that chance to go to school. And you know, your sister is the friend that you have. And I think those periods where they have come together have really been good for their relationship going forward. 

Worst thing about being a military family member? I think we can all sort of jump on these. My worst would be deployment. I've always found deployments really hard, especially those long ones. 

In both cases, my husband in two of the three cases my husband timed his deployment to be either the day before or the day after I was going back from maternity leave. So I went from being a stay at home mom with a husband that came home every day at five to all of a sudden being a single working mom and all of a sudden getting that that schedule going On my own, and both times, I found it quite challenging. I think that as hard as it was, for me, I also felt a lot of pain as I was going through milestones knowing that he was going to miss them. When my second daughter turned a year old, we looked at the calendar, and I realized that he had actually missed more of her life than he had seen. 

So I think that there is a nice joy about being the parent that gets to be there for the first steps and for the first tooth and for all of those firsts, but it's also going to attend with a little bit of sadness, knowing that your partner isn't going to be there to see that, or is going to see it. In my case, we had like a big old video camera and we sent him a VHS tape that he put in. Nowadays, I think it might be a little bit easier because you can send that clip over email, but he was also very excited when he got that VHS tape.

CB:
Well, I think staying connected throughout deployments or trainings and exercises is very challenging. And I'm just going to age myself right now. Because, you know, when I was first married, there wasn't even the ability to do VHS recordings and that kind of stuff. You had a phone and it was like: “ Okay, I will try and be home every Sunday night between this time in this time, in hopes that you call” because Wainwright every year was the thing and it was hard to for them to even get a phone, let alone trying to call home on a regular basis. 

So even though there's more sources of communication now, you know, with Facebook, FaceTime, or any of those other social media platforms and cell phones, it's really great, but it still has its challenges too. You know, you're still dealing with the member being away. Whether it's mom or dad, winter still comes depending on whichever Coast you're in. And I think that was probably what I hated the most every time he was gone over the winter time because let me tell you a winters and Shiloh were not fun. Nor were the winters in Moncton when you're shoveling 40 centimeters of snow,

JH:
I'm going to argue that no winter is fine. But you can go ahead.

 CB: 
It's the snow shoveling. It's a lot of snow that had nowhere to go as winters dragged on. And, you know, one of the things that I remember, quite ironically, was throughout I mean, he served now for 38 years almost, I think it was our posting to Moncton, where he wasn't going away as much and the first winter there, we went out and bought a snowblower. And it's like, hey, you know? Right? Absolutely. 

JH:
Yeah, we could have done this years ago. 

For me, we joke about the fact that, you know, you talk about how you're an old school wife, and I remember actually sending letters and getting letters. And I think it would be nice to have the convenience of email and being able to chat back and forth. But I'm really glad that I had the opportunity to live through those letters. And to really sort of we he left a couple of months after we got married. So like our first couple of months of marriage were really over letters and how exciting it was to get a letter and bring it home and read it really slowly. That very first time because you knew it was was only two pages, even though mine was four. But beyond that, read it really slowly. And then you know, you wait a couple of hours, and you read it again. And that excitement of having that letter in your hand that you knew he had touched. I think there was something really cool about that, that I'm glad I had a chance to experience 

CB:  
And for someone who has moved a lot, any handwritten letter or note or card, you come across that every time you're packing stuff up, you know, you pack up your household to move and you know, they're all bundled in a shoe box somewhere and you pull them out, you read them. And after 15 years, it's like, wow, boy, were we ever young.

JH:  
I don't have mine in a shoe box. I really should get around to that. That's what I should really get around to that 

Funny story...  Claudia, you have an interesting story. Do you want to share that?

CB: 
Sure. So, you know, I never really imagined that I would be a published author and I had an opportunity. I have a mentor who reached out to me a couple of times and said, Hey, Claudia, I really want you to be a part of this book. And it wasn't really something that that I wanted to do. I think I was probably more nervous putting my myself out there. But at the end of the day, I did it. I think by the third time she se approached me I said why not? So, she was very convincing. She believed that I needed to share my story. 

 (19:20 )

So this book, which is called Dreaming Big and Being Bold. It's a book that brings together a group of innovators and trailblazers, and they share their stories in a collection of essays. So it really sounded like a great idea. 

 I have never seen myself as a trailblazer -  let alone an author. It seems really out of reach and definitely outside of my comfort zone. And Julie, you're aware of this. You are with me the whole step of the way as my proofreader through a lot, a lot of drafts, that's for sure, but I jumped in with both feet, I pulled up my big girl panties and shared my story. 

And back to what I said earlier, you know, all too often we really look at ourselves and see the things that we wish we had done right? Sometimes you get a vision of what you think your life is, but it makes you blind to all the things that you have accomplished. And I think I learned that.  You never really know where this military life will take you for sure. My husband who constantly reminds me that life is a journey. He is not a planner. I have OCD tendencies to plan everything.

JH:
 She's a gal who likes a plan.

CB: 
I do like a plan. I like my lists. I like having everything organized in its place. 

And my husband really just said, don't worry about it. You know, not every not having everything planned out is not a bad thing. It has definitely been an adventure over the past 34- 35 years as a military spouse, and probably even longer if you count my time as a military child.

So it's really good. I'm really proud of the work.  It is just a small essay, but it is an essay, it is something that I challenged myself to do, and spoke my voice. And there you have it. Interesting, unexpected. Never thought I would be a leader, let alone an author. And here I sit.

JH:
So for those of us who work with Claudia, we do see it. So I will actually put that link to that book in the show notes. If you want to check that out. 

In terms of funny or interesting stories that military spouses will understand. I have long believed that the Army must have a large calendar up on a wall with everyone's anniversaries. And if they can find a way to have someone be away on their anniversary, they are going to make that happen. 

I think for 10 years straight, my husband was gone for our anniversary. So my best friend and I always made plans that on my anniversary, that we would go out for dinner and we would do something really cool to celebrate. And I think after six years in a row of going out for dinner and hanging out with my best friend for my anniversary, as luck would have it my husband had hurt himself. He'd sprained his ankle, he ended up being home for our anniversary. And she called me about a week before and she had made plans. And she found this great reservations and all the cool things that we're going to do. And I said, 'Oh, I think Paul's gonna be home'. She was a little disappointed that I was blowing her off for my actual husband on our anniversary. 

And I think in the end, I did do it with her and not him. Because I realized that there was a tradition in place. And chances are he wasn't going to be around next year. So we were going to stick with the tried and true formula. And we went out the day after that.

 But I think those are the kinds of things that as a military spouse, that you understand that sometimes your anniversary looks a little bit different, than, you know, the standard going out for dinner and getting flowers. Sometimes it's a phone call -or not a phone call- and dinner with your best friend.

 CB:
Well, I always asked myself, Why were dad's always home on Father's Day, but out in the field on Mother's Day, because that was true to form for many, many years.

JH: 
I'm convinced with a master calendar, it's got anniversaries, it's got spouses’ birthdays, it has garbage day, if you know if your currency is on a Thursday, they can send you on Wednesday night, they're going to do that. So I'm sure it's an intricate calendar that exists only in my mind. But it seemed to fit the scenario of so many things that happened in my life. 

Before we go, I think just one thing that we're hoping for in this podcast for me, it's really an opportunity to get to know other military spouses. And I say get to know because we really want to hear from you. 

 Claudia and I are here we've got some great ideas of people that we want to invite to talk about their lives, to talk about their experiences and the things that they've learned. But we know that military life is really unique. And my life as a military spouse is very different from Claudia’s -and it's really different from yours. So a lot of the advice that you have maybe or things that I've never thought of then we would love to hear that from you. So we are going to always be asking you to share your stories with us to share your advice with us. We are going to read through all of it, we promise we are going to pass it on and share it. 

 I think this is a great community of military spouses, some of the most amazing women that I have met our military spouses, and I've learned a lot from them. And if we have the opportunity to bring that to a broader audience, and to help you to learn from these fabulous people, then we're going to pass that on. 

 And I said women earlier and said people the second time.  I corrected myself because I realized there's a lot of military spouses out there that are men. 

CB:
Absolutely. 

 JH: 
And we hope you listen to us. We hope that you have advice. We hope you share your perspective. It is different from ours, but we hope that you share it, because we're going to learn a lot from you as well and we will go forward from there. Claudia, do you have any idea of what you would like to get out of this podcast experience?

CB:  
I think really, ultimately for us, it's the ability to communicate with our military families. You know, the MFRCs have a fundamental responsibility to connect with families to reach out to families to let them know what services are available - whether it's within the MFRC themselves -  or within the community that they serve. So, every MFRC may be different. But we kind of all look the same and what we offer our families.  So we want to share those experiences, we want to hear what you have to say. 

But I think the important thing is that this podcast is also portable. So you don't have to sit at your computer, you can listen to us if you're in the city somewhere, driving around if you're coming into work or check us out. But ultimately, I'm really excited about some of the guests that we will have on in future episodes, sharing their stories and their experiences, what great tips that are out there to navigate this dislike style. And, you know, I'm sure that there's plenty of other funny, interesting stories that we all need to laugh every now and then right. And remember, be the best person that you can be whatever that looks like. Stay tuned for future podcasts, we're really excited about being able to bring podcasts to the community and what all of that holds for everybody. 

JH:   (26:05)
And yes, it's portable. And yes, you can listen to us on the treadmill, or going for a walk or doing your vacuuming. But if you want to listen to the podcast sitting on a couch with a glass of wine, or a glass of a cup of tea, we fully encourage that as well. You deserve it. 

So thank you for joining us, we are going to be back just the two of us to talk about why we're doing this podcast to talk about the reasons behind it instead of our goals for the future.  We give you a little bit of a teaser, but we'll go in a bit more detail next episode. In the meantime, we would love to hear from you. If you've got things that you would like to share for us, we are going to share our email address in those show notes. Or you can reach out to us through the Petawawa Military Family Resource Center. 

If you are not in Petawawa, we still would love to hear from you. We are both Army Wives. But if you we would love to hear from those Air Force and Navy wives tell us about what your experiences are. They're slightly different. But there's also that universal core. That's always the same. So let's start this community. Let's start this conversation. And thank you for joining us.

CB: 
And remember, if you're not in Petawawa now you might be in the future. So check us out.

 JH: 
It's a great place to live.

CB:  
And that's it for this episode of Military Family Life - from one military family member to another. 

If you have any advice that you would like to share, let us know we would love to hear from you. We may even share your experiences on future episodes. If you have family and friends who want to learn more about living their best military family life, don't hesitate to let them know about our podcast. 

Thanks for listening. Join us again next time for more military family life.