Join the Conversation - We want to hear your Stories

Welcome back to Military Family Life. 

In this episode, Julie and Claudia discuss:

·      the inspiration to start a podcast for Military family members (0:01:15)

·      our hopes for this podcast; 

·      the conversations we would like to have in the coming months (0:18:00); and 

·      our go-to advice for new Military family members (0:09:47)

If you have a story or experience that you would like to share with our community of Military family members, please contact us.  

 Is there a guest that you would like us interview – or a topic that you would like us to talk about?  If so, please let us know.

 We would love to hear your suggestions and feedback. You can reach us at Podcast.Feedback@PetawawaMFRC.com or by contacting the Petawawa Military Family Resource Centre.

Transcript

 [0:00:25]

 Julie
Hi and welcome to episode two of military family life our new podcast from the Petawawa Military Family Resource Center. My name is Julie Hollinger and I am here with Claudia Beswick, who is the Executive Director of the PMFRCC and fellow military spouse. Welcome back, Claudia. 

Claudia:

Hey, welcome back, Julie. 

Hi, everyone. 

Julie:

We didn't scare her off.  In Episode One we shared our stories, and we're going to share the fact that it was a little bit out of our comfort zone, not to be talking about our jobs and the services we provide but to be talking about ourselves.  

But we thought it was really important if we were going to encourage you to tell your stories that you would have the chance to get to know us and to get to know our stories. And hopefully, that's going to start the conversation going. 

Claudia this podcast was a brainchild that came from something that we're doing at the PMFRC called Fireside Chats. Do you want to talk about what the fireside chats are, and how that was the spark for the idea of this podcast? 

[0:01:15]

Claudia:

The Fireside Chats really came about as a result of COVID. We weren't seeing our families face-to-face anymore and we wanted to make sure that families were aware that we were still providing services virtually with the lockdowns and everything else, but we were still able to connect with families provide some services and some supports as they required it because although COVID was here - and we were all in lockdown - the challenges of a military life did not go away. Members were still deploying, families were still moving, struggles were still happening. Then you add homeschooling all of that on top. There was a whole heck of a lot going on. 

So, the Fireside Chats gave us a way to share our services, as well as our stakeholders and our community partners that were also offered the virtual services.  It also gave us a chance to connect with other MFRCs and other families nationally. 

[0:02:20]

Julie:

I think one of the things that I realized as I was talking through the Fireside Chats is a lot of the things that we were talking about -the subjects the conversation ended up being very specific to Petawawa because of the guests that we brought in - but the fact is the military family life experience is pretty universal.  Deployments and relocations, those kinds of things are affecting spouses across the country. 

Claudia:

Families are traveling back and forth all the time. And you know, a family could have two postings to Petawawa and in between that go to Kingston, or they could go clear across the country. And the benefit of having the podcast - because they’re audio - is you can listen to them no matter where you are. 

This isn't about the unique military lifestyle in Petawawa. This is CAF in general that any families that are struggling - or not even just struggling but don't quite understand the military lifestyle- you can listen to the podcasts and know that something may apply to you and the situation that you're in at that time.  

So, our goal really is to get some of the community partners and some families that have experience, share their stories, and go from there.

Julie:

I don't know if it's the same for you, but there have been through my time as a military spouse spouse who have really taken the time to take me under their wing.  They really saw the fact that I was new, that I was scared. And that I was - I'm going to say it - I was ill prepared for this lifestyle. And they really took the time to talk me through it to give me advice.  To tell me ‘you know what, you're doing a really good job’. You know, ‘you can do this’. And I think that's one of the things that we had wanted to have with this podcast. Is that through Spotify, or Apple podcast or Google podcasts, to give you the opportunity to have someone who is in your ear to say ‘you know what, you're doing a good job.’ ‘Here's some things that you can try. Maybe this is going to work for you.’ We want to be that person who can sort of speak into your experience and let you know that you're not you know that you’re not alone.

Claudia:

I've been given a lot of advice over the years and I've listened to most of it because I was that military dependent, went to being a military spouse. 

And it was a little bit different for us in the sense that when I got married early on, there was a group of us in Shilo and my husband's unit closed down, and we kind of all went to Germany. And then we were in Germany together. And then when Germany closed we kind of all went to New Brunswick so I kind of lucked in that way. And we kind of learned that lifestyle together. 

But as we move forward when I was reaching out to a friend of mine regarding the story that I did in the Dreaming Big. Being Bold book. It's one of those things where I lacked a little bit of confidence: ‘Should I really do this book?’.  But what my friend said to me was: ‘you, my friend are a true unicorn in this military lifestyle’. And I thought that was pretty cool because it really reflected all of the different things that I have done through all the postings, through all my jobs through all of my experiences, being a military spouse, and it really gave me the confidence to dig into my story for this book. 

Everybody has a story and something that they can share and advice or mentorship is really important - and sometimes you don't even know if you're the mentor or the mentoree. 

When we came to Petawawa we'de been here a couple of years and we ran into friends of ours that were our neighbors in Wainwright. And we got the families together. We went out for supper, and they ended up paying for a meal as a way to say thank you - because we loaned them our car when they didn't have one to do groceries. So you don't really know how you've impacted someone until it may or may not come back to you a little later on.

[0:06:15]

Julie: 

It's funny that you say that the idea of being the unicorn. Because I think in some ways we're both as military spouses, we are living our own lives. We're doing things a little bit differently depending on what you're bringing to this life. But at the same time I think there's a very universal experience. And unless you take the time to get to know the other spouses and really get into that community, you don't realize there's that commonality and there's a lot of things that we're all going through. And by recognizing that I think it makes you feel a little bit less lonely.

Claudia 

 Yeah, I think you know, the one thing that I'd really like to say is - or believe - that we really champion the cause and we would support any CAF family if needed. Whether it's a personal friend, a neighbor, or just someone who you don't know that is reaching out looking for a little bit of assistance, advice or even just information.  And you share stories and sometimes that's how help is received and appreciated.

Julie: 

Has there been anybody in your experience along the way that you really see has been a mentor to you? 

Claudia:

I think I've had so many you know, like it's every base is different. It's different for me as a spouse, it's different for me as children and you figure it out. And you know I have a couple of people that are really close friends that we stayed connected with.

 In my early years it was really hard to stay connected. I am not a letter writer. I was I was not very good at doing that. But I'll tell you social media has been a blessing.  Even now some of my friends that are reaching out because of the fireside chats or because of well likely now because of the podcasts.

When I think back on stories it's amazing how many people have touched my life in a positive heartwarming way too many for me to  list for sure.

Julie: 

I talked about this last podcast that military life was new to me before I married my partner so I've always sort of felt like that newbie spouse who didn't really know who was reaching out. And then, before I even knew it before the time flew, you realize that I've been a military spouse for 25 years and I'm really not the newbie anymore. 

But in a lot of cases, what's happening is my experience has changed. So, I may not be a newbie at being married to somebody in the military, but I'm a newbie to being in a new community -and I have a child going away to school. There are a lot of experiences where it's a new experience to you and even though you've been a spouse for a while, sometimes it's helpful to talk to another spouse who's been through that phase of life.  

Claudia:

My husband has served for 38 years - that's a lot of posting. And then when you add postings on from my parents side of the house, it's a lot and I think you can't forget that you grow as a person. On top of all these postings and how you've developed and how you deal with things are very different and we've come a long way we've learned to adapt and it's okay if you if you don't feel like you're adapting because it's okay to have those bad days. You too will get through the empty nester component. Every now and then I have to show it to my kids to say hey, there's a parent here, halfway across the country would like to know how you're doing. Yeah, it's definitely interesting. I can remember what it was like when my kids first left you know. We came out of Alberta less one child, she chose to stay there. 

[0:09:47]

Julie:

I'm going to ask you the next question. I'll go first, just to give you a chance because this is a question I'm throwing in from nowhere: Is there one piece of go to advice that you give military spouses when you meet them who are new to this life? Or maybe struggling? 

 I know that my go to advice always is lower your expectations. When there's a deployment happening or when you are solo parenting for a while. There's always this pressure on yourself to be perfect - to keep things going the way that it's always been going.  And my advice always is lower your expectations. The house might get cluttery, your children may eat fast food. It may be breakfast for dinner once or twice a week. But all you need to do is get through.  And it may not look perfect, but you're doing as good a job as you can and I think that no one is expecting anything of you. 

 I am so glad that I was not a new military spouse in a time of social media and Pinterest. Because I look at some of those care packages that people are putting together. God bless them. They are beautiful. The boxes wrapped inside and out. There is a theme. And if I had seen that, I think I would have been devastated, because some of the care packages I have sent my husband are really sad.

[0:10:56]

Claudia:

Well, I don't purposely go out and look at the Pinterest pages because my children are young adults now, and clear across the country. 

But you know in all of the programs and services that we offer, when I see the deployment department come up with these great ideas for deployment walls, and things that you can do to keep your children entertained while their dad's away. There's so many really neat, unique ideas and I think: Gee I wish I'd had those ideas and things to do when my kids were younger. But it's all good. You know, I think five years from now there's going to be new ideas, new suggestions and new ways of doing things. 

There's so much out there, and I think my advice to any CAF family is cut yourself some slack. Just to add to what Julie says, you know, it's okay to have a bad day. It's okay to sit down, have a bucket of ice cream if that's what your go to is, or just read a book. Just don't let it go on for too many days and know when you need to reach out for help, because there is assistance out there for you whether it's the MFRCs, whether it's the Family Information Line, there's so many services available in your location.  If you are struggling too long, just know to reach out. That's the important piece. 

Julie: 

I think we're putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. We are recording this in December. If you don't put out Christmas cards this year, no one is going to notice. Someone might mention they don't have a picture of your kid from this year. But in the grand scheme of things, if that's something that you have to let drop for the sake of your mental health. Let it happen! Are you putting pressure on yourself and what can you take off your plate that's going to make your life a little bit easier.

Claudia:

Spend time with your family.  That's the number one important factor.

Julie:

We're talking about what we want this podcast to be, and I think one of the things that we have as our goal - as our dream - is for this to be a conversation. 

We really, we've been sharing our stories we've been talking about why we're doing this. We've been talking about who we are, but we want to hear who you are. There's a lot of people from across the country who may be listening to this. 

 You might be a Navy spouse and your experience might be incredibly different than what I am living as an Army spouse. We want to hear from you!  There are so many stories out there.  I think I said this on the last podcast that some of the most interesting people I have met are military spouses. 

Claudia:

Yeah, you know, this podcast is for families by families, and you know we want to talk about any of the ups and downs that this lifestyle has. It's amazing in so many ways, but you don't want to sugarcoat it.  There's some challenges and there's ways that we can get through it. 

 So let us know what that's about. And you know, Julie, we may even want to come up with a frequently asked question, right? Let's have a couple of experts - or seasoned spouses perhaps is the better choice - and throw some questions at them and see what comes back but we'll get that from you. You need to tell us what it is that you would like to see what you would like to hear from us and we'll do everything we can to make that happen. 

[0:14:15]

Julie:

And there's so many interesting people in our community that are really putting themselves out there and showing people what the military lifestyle is.  I find so often when people hear that you're a military spouse, they may have a preconceived notion of what that is. It isn't always we're all very, very different.  But there's a lot of people who have put themselves out there. There are bloggers, there are people on social media who are really showing what their lives are and we want to hear from you. 

Or if you're one of those people that wants to share your life, to share your experience, contact us we would love to talk to you. Maybe we'll have you on as one of our podcast to talk about what your experiences what your advice is, and what are the lessons that you want to pass on. 

One of the things we don't want this podcast to be is something for you to listen to and think that's one thing I'm not doing. We don't want this to be sharing ideas and for you to feel pressure that that's one thing I'm not doing. That is not at all our goal. Not all advice is relevant to everybody. 

Claudia, is there something that you've heard along the way that yeah, that doesn't work for me?

Claudia:

I think if there's something that doesn't work for you, then you know, there's so many other avenues that that say ideas and suggestions that could make it work.  Or maybe we're not hitting the topic that you want us to talk about. And we'd be happy to do that.

We really would like for you guys to tell us how much you're enjoying it - or not. And just encourage us to go in the direction that you want us to go in.  If we are not talking about subjects you'd like us to talk about, let us know if there is something if there is advice that someone has provided, and it's not really what you need or what you want to hear. Let us know that too. 

Because you can have a handful of people have a similar experience and the outcomes are very different. It's how you deal with situations. It's how you feel about those situations. And all of those factors are important. 

Julie:

And they don't all have to be strictly tied to the military. We all are military spouses, but that is not the only thing that defines us. There was a lot of things about establishing a home there's a lot of things about moving about parenting that really are going to apply to people across the field. So if you have an idea or a thought and you think this isn't really tied to the military in the same kind of way, it's still relevant. 

Claudia;

Absolutely. You're integrating into an environment that isn't just 100% military.  You have the civilians you become friends with them, you're attending some of those events and the activities that are local. And so it's even possible for the civilian community who want to learn more about the military lifestyle that it may be interesting to them. You know, how can we better support a military community? 

Maybe I want to get a better understanding of my friend who's, who's a military spouse and may not understand why they get stressed out when a member deploys, or when, you know, children are upset because dad's away, or because they've had to move across the country and have to make new friends.

There's all sorts of different stories out there interesting stories, 

Julie:

I think and I think the other thing that we really want to say from the outset, is that we really want to talk to different types of families. We don't have one definition of what a family looks like. 

If it's you and your partner and you don't have kids. That's a family. If you are a parent of a member and you are experiencing the same kinds of stresses because your child is away. That's a family. We have decided to find the military family the way you define military family, and we are open to hear all of those stories and all of those experiences we definitely are interested in hearing from you. 

Family has changed a lot over the years and I think that's one of the things that that makes our lives very, very interesting is it there's a unique experience. And I think that the more experiences we get, the more useful they are. 

[0:18:00]

Claudia: 

And family really is whoever is significant to that CAF member or to that CAF family. So we don't put a title on anything. 

 You know, everybody's experience is very different. And can't wait to hear some of the stories and some of the conversations that we're going to have. 

Julie:

So we're just going to put out there a bunch of people that we'd like to talk to and maybe if you fall in this category you let us know.

We would love to talk to military spouses who are male. I think there's a lot of people who hear military spouse and think female, think wife. That is not necessarily the case. If you are a military spouse, military husband, we would love to hear your experience and hear what your life has been like. 

If you were a dual-service couple. We would love to hear from you. You're a military spouse, but you're also a military member. And I think those experiences and those stories are unique.

Claudia, any other ideas that people would like to like to hear from?

Claudia:

Parents. I think there's a lot of parents out there that are not really sure what types of supports are available. 

When a member gets posted to a base. How do I reach out? Do I need to reach out to the MFRC that their son or daughter is at?  Can I reach out to an MFRC that is closer to where the parents reside? What are some of the other questions that they may have right that we might be able to answer and provide some guidance on? 

Julie: 

We talked about how it's hard to be away on the holidays, and to be away from your family with your spouse because you've been posted somewhere.  But as you're talking about that, I realize that as parents being in that original location that's hard too! So, it's hard on both sides. And maybe by having that conversation it gives you an opportunity to think of think of it from somebody else's perspective. 

Claudia:

Yeah, and you know, I think our goal too is we want to touch on the good stuff. The not so good stuff. 

We can talk about mental health supports, some of the struggles and challenges when a family is dealing with IR - which is imposed restrictions. Sometimes the member has to go in advance of the family and what those challenges are.

It could be any other type of mental health supports that a family needs.  So, there's so many options out there. We don't want to pigeonhole anything. We just really want to keep it open to see what you would like to see from us. 

Julie: 

Because sometimes it's not a big, huge overreaching advice that's going to be helpful to you.

Sometimes the advice I'm looking for is how in the world am I going to pack this oddly shaped item so it doesn't get hurt on the truck? 

Sometimes it's like, am I ever going to be rid of all these little yellow stickers that's underneath all of my furniture? Sometimes it's just as simple as that. And that's the advice you need and if you've got an experience or story you want to share we definitely want to hear that.

Claudia:

Or some are some really great Pinterest pictures of what to do with those leftover stickers. 

Julie:

I saw one, someone made a Christmas decoration out of it. So they took one of each of those stickers and they put it on a Christmas ball.  It was a fabulous idea. 

 So if you have those kinds of suggestions that we really definitely want to hear them. Our topic will be changing every month. If you have suggestions, let us know. 

You can reach us by sending us an email. I am going to put those in the show notes so you can send us an email directly to the podcast. You can contact us by contact us at the Petawawa Military Family Resource Center.  Send us your name, send us your telephone number with your suggestion.  If you're interested, we might call you back and see if we can record you giving us your advice live.  We'd love to hear not only your experiences but your voices as well. 

Claudia:

And if this is the first time that you are listening to us, please follow us. 

We would really love to hear your thoughts and yeah, give us a little bit of encouragement. 

Julie:

OUTCAN!  That's the other thing. 

 If you are a military spouse, maybe a military spouse that's not living in Canada right now - we'd love to hear your experience as well. 

We all sort of dream of that fabulous out can posting that’s somewhere wonderful. But there's pros and cons I'm sure. And we would love to hear what your stories and your experiences are. So for sure, give us a call. We'd love to hear from you. 

Thank you for joining us for Episode Two. We have a guest lined up for next month. So it's not just going to be Claudia and I. 

I have been following for a long time PMQ for Two on Facebook and on Instagram. Ariel has been sharing information all along about how to take a house and make it a home. 

Claudia:

Looking forward to it!  Having spent the better part of my military life in a PMQ.  I've seen some of what she has shared on her social media and I can't wait.  Very excited for this next podcast. 

Julie: 

She seems incredibly brave some of those colors that she has painted looks beautiful, but I don't think I would ever have the courage to do something like that. So let's let's get ready to talk to Ariel ask her about her courage, true artistry, and how you can make a house a home. 

Thank you all for joining us have a wonderful month and we will look forward to speaking with you soon. 

Claudia:

Thanks everyone. 

Julie:

Bye